Do I have to pretend to care?

It's enough that I just show up, right?

It's amazing how all consuming wedding planning is.  Not necessarily because it has to be ... even for those who are actually getting married the task could easily be accomplished by finding the local courthouse.  For me - considering the goal of this event isn't to celebrate me binding myself to someone else legally, spiritually, emotionally or in any other way - it should be even easier.  I'm planning a huge birthday party.  It's okay if the baker drops the cake or my pantyhose get a run in them day of.  It's a party, it's supposed to be fun.  I'm not stressing out about it.

But man do I care.  I LOVE planning for the wedding.  I love thinking about decorations, and imagining the first song that will play and going to tastings (ok, ok, that last part is just because I like delicious food).  Now that the horrific, agonizing ordeal of finding a !@#$% wedding location is behind me I can focus on all the fun stuff.  What I'm going to wear, how my hair will look, the cute invitations, the size of the dance floor.  It's like the gift that keeps on giving ... not only do I get a kick-ass party I get to go through the completely fun process of giggling over shoes with my girlfriends and trying on different dresses.  By not attaching life and death significance to the day (which no offense to anyone who does but ummmm, really?) I can enjoy the process of throwing myself the best party EVER.

The only problem I've discovered is that none of this actually pays well.  It turns out I still have to hold down a job.  Apparently in order to have the money for said awesome party one actually has to show up at work.  Which I get.  But I'm gonna need me and my employer to come to the understanding that I'm phoning this one in.

Say Who Da What Now???

There's nothing more fun than trying to explain to complete strangers the concept of throwing a fake wedding.  And by "fun" I of course mean a variation of embarrassing to excruciating.  

My closest friends have been nothing but supportive.  My parents didn't quite get it at first but they've quickly come around and my poor father has even feigned interest in my long monologues about dessert choice.  But there's not a whole lot of ways to succinctly summarize the concept to complete strangers.  

Sometimes I get:

 "Are you depressed?" 

(Nope.  Not having kids was a conscious choice and I don't feel defined by any other human being, let alone having or not having a spouse) 

But most often it's the much more common exchange that goes:

Me (without thinking): "oh that would be perfect for the wedding!"

Stranger (usually while glancing at my left hand): "You're getting married?"

Me: "Nope, but I'm planning a lavish wedding for my 40th."

Stranger (usually with blank stare): "Huh?????"

In the end it doesn't matter what someone else's opinion is, of course.  I've always tried to live my life by my own terms and to not allow other's perceptions to influence me.  But I gotta admit, it kinda sucks sometimes.  There's a lot of stigma with being 40 and single and childless.  Is it fair?  Nope.  Does it make sense?  Nope.  But it's there nonetheless.  

Which makes it all the more important that I go forward.  Because I'm not the only one.